Personal Statement

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Gathered around the dinner table, new and old faces brought back to memory, the ancient languages of Cantonese and Mandarin fill the room with many conversations of how each relative and families’ year went. That’s how I feel like a normal family gathering should be like. My family is unlike the normal Chinese family though; ever since I was young, my family faced many complications with our relatives, and even closest relations.

My mother came to America with very little; she had her father’s support by her side, and some family scattered around California, and a few families on the East coast. She studied English with the help of a free tutor, and eventually, attended classes in the Alameda community college.

She lived with my dad and his parents, and they despised her. My father was unwilling to fight against his parents to change their views and act differently toward her. My mother was powerless for years, she had me to take care of on her own, her education, and she was still juggling a job to bring some income into the household.

My grandparents wanted a grandson to be able to carry on their name, but instead, they got me. They would cook nice foods, and have a feast, just my grandma, grandpa, and father. They made it obvious, and never invited my mother, or allowed us to have any of the food. My mother spent her own hard-earned money to feed me, even when she had such a busy schedule. She made sure that she would still sing and read to me at night before tucking me into bed, and waited for me to fall asleep before beginning to study. She slept at absurdly late hours, and woke up early, to have enough time to send me to day care before going off to class and work.

Before I started elementary school, when she had finally saved up some, and had enough of it, and refused to continue to put up with it. She told my father that they were either going to move out of the house, or else she would take me and go raise me on her own without him. She stood strong and confident of herself, and my father couldn’t bear to see her walk away from him, so he grudgingly agreed, and they bought a house together.

When we finally moved into the house and settled down, life seemed good, but my mother wasn’t done yet. She knew that there was more she could accomplish, and whenever she puts her mind onto something, she does it. She worked at different offices over the years, learning to stand up for herself more, and she found herself. She’s confident in what she does, and if she’s unhappy with something, she won’t stand for it. If anything the office doesn’t suit her, she quits and finds a new job that suits her tastes better, and is willing to cooperate with her personal ways and schedule . At one office, her supervisor was fired and replaced, and the new supervisor wasn’t as fair and hard-working as the last one was, she she quit, and now, that business isn’t as successful as it was.

Since then, my mother has constantly seeked self-improvement, even in the tiniest aspects of her life. She does everything in her power to make sure that both my brother and I are happy and deserve what we get. She’s worked hard for everything she has today, and deserves all that she has and more. Her consistent perseverance through the difficult times, and her commitment to raising my brother and I in a safe and healthy environment inspire me. They are a reminder to me that no matter how bad things seem, as long as I keep trying and do my personal best, things will get better. I’ve been raised in much better conditions that my mother has, but she’s accomplished so much. I know that if I continue to persevere, do my personal best, and think positively, I will be able to accomplish as much as she has and more. Then, I would be able to repay her for everything she’s done for me, and let her live the rest of her life happily, and stress-free, unlike she had in the past.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

For most of my life, I had hated roller coasters. They scared me terribly, and I was unable to even get on the little kid roller coasters without being scared gutless and thinking it was the end of my life. I would get onto the ride, hoping it would finally be the time I would get over my fear, and with my heart beating rapidly, and adrenaline rushing, I’d lower the bar, and sit nervously with my feet firmly planted on the floor, pushing against it to slightly calm my nerves. I silently watched as they warned us to keep our hands and feet in the ride, and hid my nervousness as the ride began its journey to scare me gutless. The bottom of the cart connected with the chain, and we gradually made our way up, several feet up from the ground. The tip of the first cart reached the top, and made its graceful start to leading the rest of the carts’ descent. The fall felt like eternity - me pushing against the side, clinging on for dear life, feet pushing harder against the floor, fingers clenching tighter around the bar. Once I got off the ride, my world was finally put back together again. I was alive, and still afraid of roller coasters.

Before I graduated eight grade, we had a trip to Great America, an amusement park with huge roller coasters. I decided to give the rides a try, and surprisingly, did not find it so life-risking. I convinced my family to go back over the summer, and slowly began going on more and more extreme rides. I learned to love the adrenaline rush and fear I had before getting onto a new ride more extreme than the last.

After I developed my liking for roller coasters, my personality took an unexpected turn. I became more risky, testing people more, making sure that they would be there for me through the thick and thin, and that they were honest true friends. At school, I began to speak out more, and made my voice heard, and myself seen, unlike before when I only observed in silence. I made new friends, lost old friends, and made new leaps and bounds with my relationships with others, and in the things I did. Instead of backing down in an argument like I once had, I would stand up for myself, and make sure that my opinion was acknowledged and made clear. I would gladly take on a debate with a friend, and would stand my ground with one of the more intimidating students at my school.

Thanks to roller coasters, I’ve been able to define myself more clearly, and can now stand up for myself without being as fearful as I once was. I have become a stronger, more confident person.

Peer Review Comments

For David:
The introduction seems choppy with your constant short sentences, you should combine them to make them flow better. Clarify the relationship between Katniss and Peeta; you should tell of their past before they were picked as tributes, and make it a bit clearer what their relationship was like in the arena, if you're going to mention how they acted as lovers. You should explain more about the Greek myth of Theseus, and specifically how it inspired Suzanne Collins and how it relates to Katniss. You should take out "currently" in "The Greek myth of Theseus also inspired her book and that is what Katniss, the main character is currently similar to." It doesn't really work. When you start talking about the Vietnam War, it's confusing, and sudden, it's not clear what you're talking about, and it doesn't relate to much, seems like it was just put there randomly. You should explore the reason why Collins wrote the book clearer, you're explanation is really brief, and kind of awkward, to be honest. I personally disagree with how you think the book was slow, I think the way she spent time with the details really helped visualize it clearly for readers, and she didn't explain what the reaping was to keep readers curious to find out what it was, and to be able to build some climax around it.

For Jay:
You need to tell readers what the title, author, genre, and subject of your book is in your introduction. You also need to summarize your book briefly and write a thesis statement for what you're going to write about. Your current introduction or start to introduce and answer the first question could start by being more clear, it's repetitive at the beginning, and there's a lot of clutter. Try to explain a bit more about tracker jackers, and how it shows why too much genetic engineering is bad. Is there seriously debate now about whether animals should be used as weapons of mass destruction in wars??? I've never heard of it. Reorganize your essay, so you talk about her purpose to write the book being the future if government had too much power first, instead of jumping back and forth between the subject. The end is a bit repetitive, you should try to answer another question, and be more creative and cut the clutter with it.

For Peter:
When you start off, tell readers the title, author, genre, and subject of the book. Summarize the book briefly and write a thesis statement about what you're going to write about in the rest of the essay. Don't give too many details on Kristina's youth and past, it's unnecessary. What question are you answering in your essay? You summarize the book more than really answering any question about it, and it really focuses on specific details in the book rather than the general idea and message, and it gives a lot away to readers who have never read the book; you told them that Kristina was pregnant. Instead of leaving your explanation of what is talked about in the book in the last paragraph, put it in the introduction.